Musings and Mumbles

 I've been reading up on neurodivergence and BDSM - specifically the Venn diagram intersecting AuDHD, AFAB, and Submissives - of which I am all of.  I'm 52, and I have a stupidly ridiculous need to be told regularly that I'm someone's good girl. I never understood why I had such an abject need for praise, a craving to be acknowledged for things that were asked of me. Never understood why, once the task was completed, if the praise wasn't forthcoming, I was hurt. It's apparently a known thing, having to do with how our neurotransmitters work in our brains, connecting to our nucleus accumbens, moving to the orbitofrontal cortex and through to the dorsal medial prefrontal cortex, and finally the superior temporal sulcus in our brain. It creates the dopamine, oxytocin, and cortisol which makes our brains happy. Long story short - if I didn't get the praise, the brain didn't give the happy chemicals, and I felt like shit. It didn't matter whether this was...

 It's been a minute. Not that I haven't been around, there's just been a lot to deal with on this side. I'm going to warn you now - this is a trigger warning post, if ever there was one from me. Eating disorders, self-loathing, self-harm, etc. If you don't want to read it, look away, sweet child, look away. . . . With that said... The therapist kicked me in the head this month, and it really fucking hurt. Still reeling from it, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, other than just to keep writing about it. That feels safer than talking directly to someone, somehow. Like TikTok content creators, the words used in blogs can be curated, adjusted, and manipulated to create a better, more attractive version. No matter how I put it, I can't make this post attractive, though. I am a ball of existential dread, wrapped in raw nerve endings at the moment. It hurts to breathe most days, because I don't know what's going to hit, or when. And the feeling most oft...