Manipulation

 Anyone who's been in a relationship with a narcissist or a manipulative person will tell you just how hard it is to get out of it.

In most romantic relationships, they start subtly, to test the waters - usually to confirm whether you're interested in being there with them. As things progress, they might love bomb you while telling you all about their last ex, and how horrible they were compared to you.

They'll buy you small presents, and remind you daily how lovely and wonderful you are, all while confirming and strengthening their hold on you. 

After about 6 months to a year, the love-boming will start to calm down. They'll go on tirades about their exes, while staring at you for the correct response. They'll seek confirmation of their righteousness from you, as well as from others. If you question them, they'll break you down, tell you how horrible it is for you to question them when all they've ever done has been to support you, comfort you, and provide for you... And if they were such a horrible person, they wouldn't have done that for you, would they. 

In year two to year five, they might start seeing someone else - whether you give permission or not. If it's with your consent, they'll start by bringing the other person around, because they want everyone to be friends, to build a positive relationship, and to make sure everything is on the up and up. 

If it's not with your consent, they'll spend more time "at work", or "working overtime", but in reality, they'll be spending all their free time with the new person. And if you question them, they'll tell you that you're paranoid, that they're working hard to care for you, and it's terrible that you don't trust them after everything they've done for you. 

I speak from experience here. I was in this relationship, and I got both sides of these types of confrontations. It left me feeling horrible, in a terrible shame-spiral for ever suggesting that my partner could be doing something terrible. 

Even after finding out a lot of what happened (and I know that's not all), I still find myself thinking how I could have done better, worked harder, been more supportive, and then he'd have loved me enough to stop his destructive behavior. But the logical side of my brain is now able to break in and remind me that I am not responsible for his behaviors. I'm only responsible for mine so his shitty actions are on him, and I owe him nothing. 


I am getting better. It's just difficult sometimes to see it. 

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